I’m going to take a risk revealing my evolving thoughts on friendships with women. It’s hard to avoid a sexualized thought. What naturally enters my mind filters out quickly. A casual glance ends with an internal disapproval of my own objectification. I can open up and have a deeper awareness; the thrill of female company is a luxury. I have learned to exclude impulses before they interfere. There are alarm bells when attraction begins. I turn away from infatuation, satisfied by moments of thought and a smile which reminds me that the richness of my life is enough. Affection ebbs and flows, and I allow small waves of pleasure to roll over me at times. I can be present without to much natural distraction.
Within parameters, I can manage impulsiveness, and I am afraid of conditions that might alter a steady course. Sitting on the edge of pleasure and pain is thrilling enough. I don’t want to cross a line as stability is important to me. There’s enough evidence to suggest my insecurities are reasonable about self control. There is a biological basis for emotional needs around friendships. Interaction serves several purposes, and between genders, have instinctive influences that are difficult to counteract. Being honest is an indicator of openness and willingness to empathize, which is apparently an attractive quality!
I am open to allow any of my friends to confide their deepest feelings and experiences, because I want to know what motivates them, what informs their attitudes and perspectives. It has implications in my interactions with others. I also believe this is what friends do, without judgement.
I have been interested in the framework of relationships and friendships, to understand and clarify boundaries and why some situations would be threatening to the emotional stability I have worked so hard for. Unsuspectingly, I have been drawn into a battle with primal forces after several hours of reflection today, and through my imagining, setting off the fireworks of impulse I have been avoiding. It is not as much evidence of weakness as it is of frailty. Usually I look away quickly when I notice beauty in women, and divert my attention. I limit my exposure. It’s a tested method of control, but it’s harder to do when you think about for several hours!
Refinement through aesthetic appreciation should offset desire, whereas pop culture can revert us to drunken lechery. This Jekyll and Hyde transformation to lustful feelings is embarrassing but it grounds me in a strange way. Aspirations of emotional friendships may not be achievable. I need to see what happens. I am left with a thought for now: A lot of what I’m saying is never discussed. It’s taboo, uncomfortable. Maybe that will help me. I can see it as an exercise of understanding something hidden. Revelation is a good thing when it comes to self awareness.