Journal #1

I can barely describe how I’m feeling in a soundbite It’s much easier for me to extrapolate, to reflect when my mind keeps circulating information – it’s much easier letting go and moving on to the next place. The sun is shining, and, anointed by the light, I should make use of time.

I think I’m living in a kind of slow suffering. You’ll probably tell me to stop obsessing but the truth is I can’t yet. There’s the obligation I face, and the imminent changes. The legal responsibilities, and the conflicts that inevitably arise with family care. I am clear on these. What I don’t know is if I have the personal ability to withstand the changes. I am more and more understanding of my own mortality. I am more in tune with the ultimate ending.

I catch myself quite often saying – this is going to suck. I look down at the floor, I stop smiling at whatever trivial circumstance I happen to be in, and I don’t want to go any farther. It’s too easy to do nothing – the opposite of what I need to do.

The other morning I went to breakfast with family. There is one thing soothing about my life and that’s being with people I care deeply about. This was life about a younger generation. The girls were there, a friend, a boyfriend, and they were animated as usual. I am smiling now as they are important to me. I may not be a good person all the time but give me five minutes with them and I want to be better.

The contradictions are all around me. I will survive probably, the little things are where the answers are. Namaste my friends, thank you so much for sharing the moment. I can move on to tomorrow.

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